Ameen’s Guilt & Topanga’s Grief
Ameen’s Guilt & Topanga’s Grief
Death is in The Air.
I promised Topanga that I ’d refrain from shedding another drop of blood or take a life. Trell stood at the docks conversing with the Federal agent trying to take me down. Seagulls flew over their head, Trell looked behind him every so often, he wore an all-black hoodie and sunglasses. The coward knew his act of dishonor would mean death. I brought him into the tribe and made him second in command because he was starving and my grandmother taught me to feed a hungry man. I watched money exchange hands, and the scent of the saltwater and deceit made me nauseous. Rage boiled through my body as I wanted to murder him with my bare hands. The large boat docked and Federal agent patted Trell on the back as he stepped on. I heard him say,
“It is time for Ameen to get knocked off his throne and spend the rest of his life behind bars.”
“Brooklyn will be better without him.” Trell uttered.
“I don’t give a fuck about Brooklyn what I want is a bigger cut of the money. I can’t touch it unless he is behind bars, ya dig.”
Tonya smacked on her gum while playing Candy Crush Saga.
“I wanna watch you murder that snake. How he be snitching on you. Dudes ain’t loyal at all.”
I slumped down and he ran to his ride and pulled off. Tupac Shakur, “I ain’t Mad Cha.” played on Sirius. Tonya smacking on the gum annoyed me, and the sound of the game pissed me off. She fingered her curls, and put on that phony ass smile.
“Bae, can I have some money to hang with my girls for the weekend?”
“Yeah.” I pulled out a stack of twenties and handed her 2,000. She kissed the money and ran her hand across my cheek.
“Thank you, bae.”
“Whatever. ”
“You can just murder Trell and move on with your life. You can’t let him disrespect you like he doing.”
“Are you stupid? Why the fuck would I kill him when the Feds are after me? Why would I bring more heat on me, stupid ass?”
“I’m just saying if you be letting one get away they all will play you. And don’t come at me like I’m your enemy.”
Tonya pulled out joint filled with weed and pulled out her lighter.
“You need to take a hit of this right here and relax your nerves.”
“I don’t smoke and you know that.”
“That’s why your so damn uptight and stressed out all the time. Weed is from the mother earth and as long as live I’m going to smoke so I can chilax.”
“Yeah, but it’s frying the hell out of your brain cells. You can’t spell and nothing you say makes sense. ”
She stuck up her middle finger, blew a bubble and popped it in my face.
“I might be stupid but you love my pussy, you give me money, and I ain’t…
My cell rang and Paul name popped up,
“Speak to me.”
“Um, I know you said don’t call your phone. Listen, man Topanga’s Mom Sugah died about an hour ago and they can’t get her out the room. My cousin said she hysterical and they trying to put in the loony bin.”
“Thanks.”
“I need to check on someone.”
She cut her eye at me and rolled them.
“Topanga bummy ass.”
“Her mother just died and she needs me.”
I type a message to the guard on duty put the money sign and requesting her to stay with Topanga until I get there.
“So what. She was dying anyway and plus I need you?”
“I thought you were hanging with your girls. I gave you money and right now I need you to act like an adult. You sure are jealous of a bummy bitch.”
“Drop me off at the train station and see your Topanga. Dead that me being jealous of her.”
The ride was silent and when Tonya opened the door she said,
“I be knowing you don’t love or respect me like Topanga that’s why I fuck other dudes. I can’t get caught up when I know I ain’t the one you want. I just refuse to let you go to her easily. You keep me with money and pretty shit. I ain’t about to let her benefit my profits.”
“You’d want to stay with a dude who loves another woman?”
“If you end our thang, please believe you won’t have to worry about Trell because they always take the girlfriend’s word. Know what I’m saying I might not be smart but I ain’t stupid either. I be recording everything on my phone so play if you want to.”
“Tonya, make sure you're ready for my wrath and the price of snitching. Beware that I don’t take disloyalty lightly.”
“You ain’t do shit to Trell and so I know I’m good, dude.” She stepped out the car and I announced.
“You should be more aware of the man I am.”
“Same for you,Ameen. I don’t care what you do just remember I’m your only bottom Bitch.”
“And your proud to be a man’s bottom bitch?”
“Yeah as long as the money don’t stop coming. I’m good.”
“Good bye, Tonya.”
The vultures was coming for me, and gunning for my soul. Karma was after me for all I’ve done as a drug dealer, a murderer and most of all being a second too late to save my mother’s soul. They vested me in the drug game the moment I was born. In my crib, my father laid beside me a gun, money, and a kilo of coke. They groomed me to run the Brooklyn jungle. In my family’s eyes, I was just a drug kingpin, but I wanted to do was go to college, build an empire, and operate a legal business. I never wanted to be a drug dealer but if I chose otherwise, I wouldn’t be here to share my story or protect Topanga. Beaten by my father for reading a book instead of making money and ridiculed by my brothers. I had no choice but my terrible choices are haunting me. I sleep seeing the faces of the people I murdered and the most terrifying shit is seeing your victims face every night. The crack addicts, the meth heads, the women and men dying of overdoses I created them. My mother telling me she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Their voices begging me to help them. In my dreams, I run attempting to save their souls and I am held back and then the gun goes off. On the pile of dead bodies is my mother. I want freedom and forgiveness. I want to save just one person.
I once asked my father do you feel guilty about being a drug dealer.
“Pops, you ever feel guilty about selling drugs?”
“Why the hell would I do that? I supply what they want. Every drug addict makes a choice to get high.”
The truth is guilt hounds me; it attacks my spirit, and I concluded I want out before they steal my freedom. Freedom from the jungle comes with a cost of death or jail. I know too much and hold the secrets of my family. Every member is a criminal, no one has ever lived a legal life. We run the streets of Brooklyn since 1967. Our crimes run so deep and their dream is to have ruling power. Money flows like the river and there are sharks in the tank waiting to devour our dynasty.
Being criminal-minded you only see the moment, the quick success and most of us know there are losses but we rarely give a fuck. It isn’t until the consequences become a reality. An old g taught me that men who deal in the life I dealt in should create good Karma. He told me for every wicked deed do three acts of kindness. My acts of good deeds range from leaving groceries on the doorsteps of mothers, paying rent for some elderly tenants in the building, buying school clothes, and sneakers for the kids. I give away money because it always comes back to me. I make a call and ensure Topanga’s books and tuition is paid for the semester. The old g never lied I ain’t never get locked up and there is some guardian angel protecting me.
Yet, karma was chasing me, and the truth is I became wealthy at the cost of my people. Am I my own man or living a legacy I don’t believe in? I want freedom. I don’t want to be a man who takes a life with drugs. The horn honks and breaks me from my trance. I find a side street and park. I walk and I see the faces of the people I sold crack, weed, heroin, and pills. The demons of my sin were seeing my people zombies. Maybe that was the punishment for the crimes I committed.
I entered Kings County hospital and the first person I see is Topanga who sat in the blue chair, head bent and deep sobs of sorrow filled the hospital. The front of her t-shirt soaked from tears, her flip-flop broken, and feet turned inward. The female guard stood next to her and ensured they didn’t send her to the g-unit. I shake her hand and slide the envelope with money up her sleeve.
“Good looking. Sad shit how her mother died.”
My father once told when a man loves a woman he will change for her. Do whatever he can to have her. I sat next to Topanga, took her hand, and held it. I let her sorrow pour into my soul. She wasn’t ready for me to hug her. Several minutes, faces stared and held their head down. She took a deep breath and looked at me,
“She is gone. I have no more mommy.”
“I’m so sorry Topanga.”
She laid her head on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around her. She scream, and I cried with her. Her pain was my pain, and it was like that since the first day we play on the monkey bars in kindergarten when she fell and ran to her rescue.
I wiped the corners of her eyes, kissed her forehead, and she lifted her head.
“I don’t want to go back home.”
“Okay, I will get a hotel room for a week just so you can chill.”
Her slanted eyes were bloodshot red and swollen. She took two sniffles and said,
“I don’t want to stay alone.”
“I’ll stay with you don’t have to ask.”
“I can’t give her a funeral it why I didn’t want to leave her. I don’t want to have her buried in Potter’s Field on Hart’s Island. I can’t buy my mother a decent dress or flowers.”
“Sugah won’t be buried like that. I will pay for her funeral, dress, and whatever else you need. No stressing.”
“Why?”
“I remember when Sugah would come to my house and take care of my grandmother when both her legs were amputated. Or the times she hid me in her house when they were doing sweeps. I have to show love to her memory.”
The truth was the guilt of selling her crack even when Topanga asked me not to weighed on my soul. Maybe if I didn’t she would have lived longer. The times she didn’t have the money I turned away instead of feeding her craving to get high. I needed to redeem myself and let guilt hold me hostage. Her mother’s death rests on my soul.
“I lost my mother way before her death today.”
“I know and I watched my mother die every day before her actual death, Topanga.”
Death was never meant to be fair but awaken the living. We settled into the hotel room in Jersey. I took Topanga shopping and though she knew my financial worth she was looking on the clearance racks. We purchased a sky blue dress for her mother.
“You don’t have to shop in clearance. I have more than enough cash and credit to buy what you need.”
“I know but I refuse to spend your money like crazy.”
“Shit, that’s the first time I ever heard a woman say that.”
“Tonya, is not the best woman for you.”
“I know she’s blackmailing me to stay and I don’t want her.”
“Just leaving is never easy. I hope every day you become your own man. You are not father.”
“Second time this week I heard that statement.”
“It’s called a confirmation.”
She fumbled through the racks and holds up the black dress. Simple with a thin white belt, she looked at the price tag $5.00 dollars. She put the dress to her face and began to cry.
“I don’t know if I can say goodbye. I’m going against her wishes. She never wanted a funeral.”
“Have a private little something and say your goodbyes.”
“She wanted to be cremated and her ashes pour out at Far Rock-away beach.”
She held on to the dress and put it back on the rack; I picked it up and placed it on her arm with three other outfits. She removed her braids pulled into a tight ponytail. You could tell they needed to be done over.
“You want to get your hair done?”
“Ameen, you’ve done so much for me. I can’t let you spend any more money.”
“What mines is yours?”
“I’m not your woman and I don’t need no beef with Tonya. You don’t have to buy my friendship it comes free. Over the years I’ve been so mean and I’m sorry. I never meant to disrespect you. I’ve been so angry. I…um…l…I mean care for you so much. Thank you for always protecting me.”
She took her arms and placed them around my waist. I ran my fingers through her hair and in the middle of the store aisle I discovered what I knew all along she was made for me.
“Let’s pay for these clothes and get something to eat. I know you love me. It’s okay to say it.”
“You know that I do”
“I love you,Topanga and always will.”
The cashier glared at me and stuck her teeth. It was Tonya’s cousin, and she made it known.
“What’s up, Ameen?”
“What up?”
“Where’s Tonya and why are you spending money on this basement bargain bitch?”
I looked over at Topanga and she answered.
“I’m not his woman just a friend my mother died a few days ago he’s helping me out. There’s nothing going on with us.I’m not Ameen’s type of woman.”
She rang up the clothes and folded them up in the bag. She picked up her phone and tap a message. She cut her eye at me and then Topanga. She chuckled and put her phone.
“My bad, Ameen. I know you like a top-quality, classy, and a pretty bitch like my cousin. You a good dude.”
“I don’t date a bitch. Sad you and your cousin demote yourself as women and rather be refer to as a female dog.”
The bill total came up to $175.00, and I handed her cash. She flipped through each bill and looked over at Topanga.
“Sorry for your loss. My cousin just text me she ain’t worry. Ameen, I am and always be a bad bitch and it’s just a term of endearment.”
“Your belief not mine.”
She handed us the bags, and we walked out. I opened the door for her and she sits.Tears running down her face and I can’t tell if it’s about her mother or me.
“Talk to me.”
“I’m fine.”
“Your crying.”
“I just lost my mother. It happens.”
“Talk to me.”
She turned around and stared out the window.
“I can’t stop seeing my mother frail body in a hospital bed and taking her last breath. I can’t compete against Tonya who is beautiful and dumber than a box of sand and I hate that I’m not like her. I don’t have friends because people think I’m weird or have A.I.D.S. My father is next and eventually Ameen you will stop feeling sorry for me and move on with your life. I’m just a basic bitch.”
I turned her face to me, held her cheek, and made her look me in the eye.
“Don’t you ever disrespect yourself with the word bitch. Your nobodies bitch. You’re a woman who has gone through every bit of hell, but kept your head in the books. You took care of your parents and selfish ass broads like Tonya only think of themselves. It hurts to lose your Mom. A day doesn’t go by I don’t miss my mother. It is a pain that won’t easily go away. I watched my father break my mother down and call her bitch every day. He put on her obituary, “I will miss the baddest bitch on this planet.” My mother was never a female dog, but she allowed him to treat her less than she was worth. She just took it and began to believe it. Sugah was a good woman and mother. Topanga, women are more jealous and fear your beauty, your strength, and your intelligence. Tonya’s beauty doesn’t have shit on your good heart and beautiful soul.”
“How did your mother die? You never told me how it was the big secret of the projects.”
“A gunshot to the skull. Suicide. Remember when we moved here to Jersey/”
She covered her mouth. My mother's fair skin, the body of a goddess, beautiful large brown eyes, and her soul stolen by my father. On the outside, my mother played the role of being the baddest bitch, the boss babe, and the woman who had it all together. Behind close doors, she endured the abuse, the cheating, and neglect of my father. She stopped caring for herself and became obsessed with death. For years my mother was dealing with holding a secret of my father.
“I never knew.”
“Topanga, my mother killed herself in front of me. She said, “don’t be like your father and be a better man. You are the first person I told. It is why she hasn’t been around. She is dead. He committed the biggest sin against me and I had to get him back.” She placed the gun on the right side of her temple and I kept begging her not to do it. I ran towards her and it was too late.”
She took my hand and held it. A single tear ran down my face but my heart was flooded with tears. My soul ached that I should have been a second faster. Guilt chased me and her death is on my head. The secret never revealed. The truth of whatever she took to her grave.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Shame.Anger. Pain. I don’t know. I want out of the drug game, Trell is snitching to feds, and Tonya is a waste of my time. I’m tired of Brooklyn. I want to be free.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Think strategically because dudes like Trell only think of the smallest plan. As for Tonya, I have something for her ass too.”
Topanga’s cell phone rang, and she looked at the name on the screen, Kings County Hospital. Her fingers trembled, and I took it from her. I answered,
“Topanga Johnson.” I handed her the phone, she lowered her head. I listened as the words blared through the phone. She rocked back and forth, moaned and wailed.
“Your father expired this morning.”
The scream spread throughout the parking lot, and I pulled her to me. She was dealing with grief death leaves behind and I was dealing with the guilt death leaves. Death is a thief and so permanent. The words echo you are not your father and family live your own life. The question is, “how do I set myself free?” All I want is freedom, forgiveness, and Topanga.
If you enjoy the story please share and recommend. You read all parts of the series. Topanga and Ameen, Ameen Levitcus, Broken Truths
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