Broke, Lonely, Angry & Horny Series

She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings-Ariana Dancu

I know the cuts, the injuries, and stings of being damaged. My name is Tamyara, and I desire to improve. I wrestle with some of the hardest difficulties. I was four looking at my three-year-old sister Patricia in a casket and I thought for years why was it her and not me. What made God choose me to live? Broke is greater than the financial hardships for me. As I write this blog, I hope to share my story to heal another woman. B.L.A.H Diaries (Broke, Angry, Lonely, & Horny) is about dealing with what afflicts my fictional character Zenobia.

Surviving is overrated

“She has fought many wars, most internal. The ones that you battle alone, for this, she is remarkable. She is a survivor.”
― Nikki Rowe

I am an expert at surviving going through shit and putting an S on my chest but being unsatisfied. Superwoman, Mom, still single, and striving for my place in this world. I know all about surviving, settling and accepting comfortable. I accepted lack because it fit my broken pieces. I accepted the bottom. Why? I thought I didn’t deserve the best of what life had to offer.I thought Broke was okay because it was my normal and the going any higher meant obstacles kicking you down so I became trapped in a comfort zone. I was surrounded by survivors my Uncle Khalid fought HIV and alcoholism, graduated college, played the flute, did everything on his bucket list. Many of you think broke is about money but for me, it is a state of mind, a way of life and fear. I survived being raped at 11. I survived bad relationships, my mother not being present, losing family members, being bullied, caring for a sick child, difficult teenagers, homelessness, and breast cancer. In all the survival, shrapnel was still piercing my heart.
Yes, I survived, but I was still wounded. I hadn’t clean up the mess all the things these events leave behind. I went to counseling but all I ever spoke about was how to fix what ails my children. She recently pointed out that I never talked about my pain. In a session she said, “What’s your pain?” I couldn’t dig so deep and reveal my real broke. I allowed the problems going on with my children overshadow why I was there in the first place. I was so desperate to fix them I forgot how much of the wounds I had not healed.

I didn’t want to accept carrying my Uncle heavy ass secret of being HIV positive at fourteen weighed on me and that before I knew it I would lose him to this ugly disease, being a caregiver to adults who had issues with alcoholism, drug abuse and not having a childhood. When we didn’t have food I was made the adult from asking Harry the Landlord for twenty dollars until next month to cleaning houses of drug dealers while they made illegal transactions. I was made to do the laundry, grocery shopping, and packing bags at the the stores to earn change so we would never starve because my Aunt rarely left the house and mother was getting high. I saw alcoholism at its worst taking a note to Uncle Hack or Freddie to purchase Aunt Cookie a fifth of Wild Irish Rose. An expert at handing a man five dollars so my mother could get crack and at my adulthood feeling guilty for never saying no. Surviving was all and still all I know. My broke is not knowing how to live. How not to worry what else will I have to survive today? If that isn’t broke I don’t know what is. It is the worst form of suffering a woman has to endure.
Survival is courageous but living is amazing. Living without fear of the next thing attempting to break me is what I crave. I desire it just as much as wanting to be a millionaire. I desire not having such a broken childhood and still questioning why God chose me to just survive and not live. I want more than survival I want to live. I want to walk outside without the question looming over my head, “What else can happen today?”I want to wake up and say, “Yes, God has shown me favor for something in life.” I survived but at forty-three years old I am still searching for freedom, peace, and prosperity.
I am removing the Shrapnel!
This past December my heart was carrying some heavy wounds. I went into bouts of sadness because the wounds were being reopened. I forgot Broke was my thoughts. I forgot to fix what ails me. Broke people attempt to fix others because it hard to remove the small pieces cutting us open. I hid behind fixing others and the collateral damage was me not looking good, feeling good, and thinking I deserve to be incomplete. I thought broke was my place in life. Now I know better. I am falling in love with Tamyara it just going to take time because the small pieces of shrapnel are hard to remove . I am falling in like and living no matter the obstacles but it means moving out of accepting Lonely as a lifestyle. Letting go of the past, moving in the forward motion. Will you join me and not be broke anymore? Will you invest in your life? Clean up the mess, become in alignment with yourself and feel beautiful. I challenge you to stop living broke, broken and get in repair. It is us growing together to become the best version of ourselves. I will not say it is easy but we can rise up from the phase of Broke.

I’m fine but I need help. I need to break from a broke mentality , to remove the shrapnel. I am seeking to no longer just survive.

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Synopsis

For Zenobia, surviving has always been the option versus living.Her life is on a downhill spiral when she discovers her husband is sleeping with her best friend, Charles for the entire sixteen years of marriage. Her daughter is diagnosed with cancer, and when her mother Zelda returns to live with her fresh out of rehab and the constant reminder she gave her mother H.I.V. The twin boys are terrorizing the neighborhood and her oldest daughter Kenya hates her. It is a story of learning all over again how to love, renew, find peace in the storm but most of all not just surviving but breaking the cycle of being Broke, Lonely, Angry, and Horny.

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Tamyara Brown

Tamyara Brown

Tamyara is an author of eight novels, blogger, graphic and website designer. She is also the host of B.L.A.H Diaries.