Scripted Differently- Resolving My Era of Self Doubts.

I always thought the weapons formed against me would prosper. My looks, being told I wasn’t pretty, being cheated on, betrayed, weight, poverty — the list of imperfections seemed endless. I believed the script of my life was fixed, unchangeable, and beyond my control. But now, it’s the opening of my purging season, a renewal of my mind, heart, and spirit.

Being transparent, I felt stuck. My insecurities made me fear everything I wanted, so I felt I needed to settle to be accepted. It was my conflict of interest. I always thought my circumstances, mistakes, and just being comfortable with existing defined me.

From childhood to adulthood, I felt different. I didn’t chase the latest fashion trends or beauty standards. Instead, I found comfort in reading books, graphic design, and writing, perfectly at ease in jeans and a hoodie. This sense of being different often made me feel that the odds were against me. Years of self-doubt and the belief kept me trapped in my own stinking thinking.

This is not a statement of sadness or a pity party — just a moment of self-reflection. They say to understand oneself you have to be openly honest to heal. You must purge old thoughts, habits, and behaviors so change can begin. That is the season I am in now breaking chains that hold me tight to the things I know I can change. At fifty, I find myself looking at life differently, knowing I have more days behind me than ahead. Time was no longer something I could play with. I began reading this book by Sarah Smith, Get Your Sh*t Together. It came at a perfect time when my life felt stuck on a hamster wheel. In reading this book, I realized all the areas I needed to improve. Her book opened my eyes to “really” get my sh*t together and stop playing games. Yet, the revelation that I needed to change hit me as fifty was banging on my door.

Since March 3, the day I turned fifty I realize that age and time waits for no one. I realized I needed to get my life in order because I wasn’t comfortable or happy with it. I came to grips with all the time lost, all the times, I self-sabotaged my dreams, hopes, and goals — it was now or never. The realization hit me even before my fiftieth birthday , as I encountered the deaths of several people close to me. Holding my son’s best friend’s infant…