You Can’t Love Him into Wholeness!

Tamyara Brown
6 min readOct 21

The Lessons I Learned from my mistakes in Love

The kiss of her lips, the loyalty of her heart, the dedication and time she invests to fix what ails the man she loves. This is the American back story of love, the woman attempting to rescue the man whose heart is fragmented. She comes with her love anecdotes and elixirs to resuscitate him when the past, the present, and traumatic moments occur. While feeding, fixing, and mending his heart, he becomes comfortable in not using the abilities to fix himself. He becomes accustomed to not speaking his pains, expecting the woman who loves and honors him to figure it out. She has become the sole provider and resource for bringing him to a place of wholeness. What happens when, after all she’s done, it is not enough? When she lacks the tools or accessories, and rebuilding him becomes a challenge. The war begins, and he feels unwanted, not realizing he is draining the life out of the woman loving him.

She is eager to break cycles and keep him, so by any means necessary, she loses herself to the man she loves. Little does she know she can’t bring him into wholeness unless he takes part. Love and care is an anchor and requires reciprocation. This isn’t a solo act, and love though powerful isn’t always enough to fix what’s broken in a man.

We all are supposed to be a helpmate to the man we’ve chosen to love. Yet, this isn’t a singular job. In healing a fragmented heart, it takes two to tango. His energy and work need to match your efforts and commitment. If you are putting in all the work and he isn’t a willing participant, then some things need to be reevaluated in your relationship.

I know this may rustle some feathers, but I found in my journey of two broken relationships, it is not always my responsibility to be the fixer. That I shouldn’t always be the one pouring until my cup is empty. That I am always emotionally available when he is going through his blues, but he is absent when I need the same support. This is not a bitter-hearted woman, but I want to protect the younger generation of women coming into new relationships. I don’t proclaim to have the answer to every riddle or rhyme to love. Let me emphasize I am not an expert in relationships. I only pass on the wisdom I’ve gained through my experiences.

Tamyara Brown

Tamyara is an author of eight novels, blogger, graphic and website designer. She is also the host of B.L.A.H Diaries.